The Adventure of Many Lifetimes

Got what it takes to join a startup civilization?

This 15-question multiple choice quiz will help determine your potential suitability as a Virgle Pioneer. Finish the test, then click "Submit." Good luck!

  1. I would characterize my overall level of physical fitness as:
  2. Great. I'm totally buff.
    Good. I can do the stationary bike roughly as long as it take to watch a Talk Radio rerun on my gym's cable system.
    Okay. I could probably do a few crunches if you really insisted.
    Poor. The mere sight of a treadmill gives me chest pains and a weird tingling feeling in my extremities.
  3. I am a world-class expert in
  4. physics
    medicine and first aid
    Guitar Hero II
  5. I ________ algae (as food).
  6. like
    utterly loathe
    would be willing, if absolutely necessary, to endure
  7. I ________ 1/3rd gravity (as the inverse-square electro-magnetic force binding me to the surface of my planet).
  8. like
    utterly loathe
    would be willing, if absolutely necessary, to endure
  9. If I had to wait up to 40 minutes for a response to email, I would
  10. Die.
    Choose my words more carefully.
    What's email?
  11. If I was unexpectedly confronted with the emergence of a bewilderingly alien and frighteningly advanced Martian life form which appeared bent on killing me if I failed to quickly and effectively communicate my peaceful intentions and potential value to its civilization, I would
  12. Die
    Whip out my handy universal transcorder and start schmoozing my ass off.
    Well, given that there's no such thing as a transcorder that works for a Martian language that we haven't even heard yet, I guess I'd just do my best to seem non-threatening while communicating my peaceful intentions with subtly universal hand gestures.
    Run straight toward the Martian while screaming wildly and brandishing whatever weapon happens to be handy.
  13. I consider creature comforts like designer clothing and satellite TV with DVR service:
  14. Utterly essential.
    Utterly pointless.
    Utterly essential if I'm going to spend the rest of my life stuck here on Earth anyway, but utterly pointless if (hint, hint) you all decide to send me on the Adventure of Many Lifetimes™.
    Does the satellite service include Showtime, because I am soooo into Weeds.
  15. The concept of a large group of equal individuals all working hard every day toward the collective good of our shared community sounds to me like
  16. A utopian ideal.
    A Communist plot.
    A dreary stage that Virgle Pioneers will all have to endure while building a civilization robust enough to sustain a blessed return to mankind's usual selfish, materialistic, backbiting ways.
  17. A multi-stage heavy lift rocket built using established solid and liquid propellant technology with solid boosters doubled for increased payload capability could start a burn for insertion into a lunar trajectory and then back toward Earth for final insertion into a modified Hohmann Transfer Orbit, increasing its final Earth-to-Mars transfer velocity through a periapsis delta-v burn performed at the closest lunar and subsequent Earth approach, with the additional delta v gained on account of the potential energy from the mass of expended propellant,
  18. Actually, I would think fairly quickly and easily
    Only with significant time and fuel expenditure
    My SAT tutor said to always guess C if you aren't sure
    goo goo ga ga hee hee ha ha
  19. If I were to find myself a passenger on a cramped three-month journey from Earth to Mars with nothing to do with my free time except play a thousand consecutive games of backgammon with a fellow crew member whom I didn't particularly like to begin with, I would probably:
  20. Kick some serious backgammon butt, yo.
    Be sure to lose enough games to ensure that my fellow player doesn't build up unsustainable levels of frustration and go postal.
    Go postal.
  21. If I were to find myself a passenger on a long-haul, multi-generational voyage to a distant solar system, and deteriorating on-ship ecological conditions, steadily weakening community stability and ever-rising number of missing backgammon pieces led some colonists to revolt against the ship's government, I would
  22. Join the bloodthirsty populist revolution without thinking twice
    Instinctively defend the reigning neo-fascist military regime
    Hide in the infirmary until things blow over
    Find a working Holistic Artificial Language interface and beg the on-board computers to take over the ship, and by extension the entirety of extra-solar-system humanity. For our own good, of course.
  23. "If I am accepted as a Virgle Pioneer, I will enthusiastically embrace my solemn responsibility to produce as many offspring as I can in order to help develop our fledgling Martian civilization." This statement, in my case, is
  24. True. Hell , yeah, it's true. Could we have some, like, Virgle Pioneer keggers in advance just to sort, you know, um, break the ice?
    Um, definitely false -- and you'll be hearing from my attorney for insinuating otherwise.
    Could I maybe see a few head shots of my fellow Pioneers before answering this question?
  25. When I gaze up at a gleaming starscape late on a clear autumn night, I experience
  26. A sense of wonder at the miraculous bounty of God's infinite universe.
    A head rush.
  27. I feel ________ the unknown
  28. considerable trepidation toward
    soul-crushing boredom when forced to confront
    utter awe at the very idea of
    a calm determination to vanquish
  29. The next step in the application process is to submit a 30-second video explaining why you want to live on Mars. Click the Submit button below to receive your test results and continue on your glorious journey
Congratulations -- you are ideally suited to be a Virgle Pioneer; so ideally so, in fact, that one wonders why you aren't already living on a remote South Pacific island, serving as a biosphere test subject, washing dishes at a North Pole research station during the depths of winter or writing a highly intelligent, articulate political blog. At any rate, we want you for one of our upcoming Virgle launches. You'll love it -- the pay is great, the view from the spaceport should be spectacular, and we're told that algae and spirulina actually start to taste good after the hundredth consecutive day. Anyway, if you want to give Virgle a try, you can submit your video here.
Well, you're distressingly normal and could conceivably adjust to life as a deep space pioneer, though we recommend instead that you leave the Mars missions to the serious whack jobs who scored over 130 and instead finish year 3 of law school, tuck your toddler into bed, design Web 2.0 applications, run for Congress or do whatever other normal, healthy, middle-of-the-road thing you're currently doing with your normal, healthy, middle-of-the-road life. If you're determined to give Virgle a try, though, you can submit your video here.
Okay, let's just get this over with quickly, like ripping off a medical adhesive: you did not do well on this test. You are not, by all available evidence, well suited to be a Virgle Pioneer, or any sort space explorer, really, or for that matter, any profession which requires leaving behind your creature comforts, your nice warm bed, your lovely wardrobe, your gourmet meals, your high-end home theater, your friends and family -- oh man, what have we gotten ourselves into here? We're kind of freaking out ourselves, actually. Help! We changed our minds! We don't want to go! [Clicks heels.] There's no place like home! There's no place like home! There's no place like -- [ Long silence. ] Hello. Still there? We're sorry about that unpleasantness with our previous reviewer. We can assure you, you tested just fine and would make a fine Pioneer; all you have to do is submit your video here.